epiphany

Once in a while, you need to step back and get a good look at the full picture in front of you. Then you will realize, what is really causing you burden. No matter how much you gain from it, nothing beats the feeling of being free. Remember only lies will make sleep hardly at night..

I need to sleep because I need to feel home again. I need to feel whole again, when I'm broken into pieces. No matter how much cover-up I play up with, I come back weak.

Once in a while, I cry myself to death. I bleed my heart out. I shout my pain through the night. because there is only much that I can truly take. I am not a child of war, nor a child of lies.. I come from a person who truly showed love beneath all the pain.

ONCE

Once in our lives, across a room we meet a stranger. someone who just briefly strikes up a conversation. Then along the days, u find worldly things as a topic. unaware, something changes. even as much, you try to hold back, you find yourself amazed with this person everyday. its like a travel to an unknown world, there are things you don't understand but u see them differently. You see beauty in a different language. You try to show yourself maybe there is something wrong or whatever. Your fears come every now and then, your insecurities make you act crazy sometimes, but the little thing called between yourselves, which strangely you cannot understand..always survives the fire.

There is a thing called passion between humans, which clouds our judgement at times, but there something much strong as Fate which bounds some two worlds completely different. However, most eyes will never understand, most ears will never cease to say things nor minds will try to analyze..



"You see, we only live once to see the magic unfold in our eyes, let it be there, for it might not happen again. Pain never ceases to die, sadness is always around but love only comes once..sometimes ..for some..it never happens.."

of men..

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; omitted, all the voyage of your life is bound in shallows and in miseries.."
--The Shakespeare Secret

everyday

"Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it; just let it happen. It could be a new shirt in a men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black, coffee." Twin Peaks - Dale Cooper

i'll see u around

I don't know what hurts a person so much. Is it the things that you lied
about? or the reason why you never told the truth? or maybe because you
never expected this person would lie to you.

my mom always told me, I'm a sensitive person, everything little thing
somebody says or do affects me. every event changes me. my friends say,
I'm different and my boyfriend says I'm the strangest girl he has ever met,
actually the weirdest one to that matter. Sometimes you just know, when
you're not really happy and you can't fake it. Even if you go to the most
wonderful places, something inside you always cries. There is a wakeful
conscience which wakes you up in the middle of the night. The past haunts
you every night and every single day. You pretend to be so strong that you
became numb and uncaring. You only keep the ones you love but you stray
away and become blind by what is really real.

I miss my mom as much as ever. She promised me she would come here, that's why I cam here..but...She said she would. I'll do anything to see her, or I would be forever waiting.

Lost

gosh..its been months since i last blogged.. many things have changed.. plenty.. a handful actually.

Im in Abu Dhabi now.. pretty interesting place.. but manila is still the best.. especially because the people i love most are there. I miss my mom so much it makes me cry every now and then..I miss the house..I miss my brothers..my dog..my room and my friends. I miss talking to my mom.. I miss her smell and her smile. I miss talking with my favorite people. I miss being free to roam.. being free to hangout in the evenings. I miss relaxing. I miss laughing with friends. I miss the noise. I miss everything that made me feel so good. I miss my mom a lot more than ever. its like a different part of my life has taken over.

Now I am seriously working as much as ever. Its like I am clinging too much to being busy at work just to forget how much lonely I miss home. I've met many interesting people.. people who share their lives with u. People who've risked everything to work here. Laarni is here (thank GOD). Along with work, I've met a very sweet guy who treats me with respect, laughs with me, enjoys with me and talks with sense. Our cultural differences makes the conversation endless. I learn things from him as well as he learn things from me. He's frank and honest. He patiently tries to understand me. He's not perfect but at least he's real. He keeps me sane and grounded around the madness and he is helping me to stop smoking...(yeah right..)

I want to make the most of my life here..I want to travel more.. read more books..watch more movies.. meet people from different places..learn the culture..cultivate my hobbies...learn new things..and be independent. I want to make most of my life while i'm young and single. in 3 years I'm gonna be 30.. I dont want to spend my life..controlled..sad and useless.. i dont want to forget home. I refuse to deny the people who love me most. I want to be free, interesting and open to love the most important people in my life.

senti moment

I thought homesickness was a bit of like a joke. but I never thought it was like a disease that creeps with u at night and makes u really sad. I miss manila. I miss my mom, my brothers and my dog. I miss my friends who make me laugh. I miss the special kids who brighten up my day. Im thinking I have given up a lot so I have to make the most of it. The emotional wave is so great..so huge. Sometimes, its kinda difficult to handle. Sometimes, the pressure is intense and i am forced to accept things or situations..but sometimes, things dont really bother me. As long my mom inspires me and my friends are there, as long as the people care about me are there..i think i'll be ok. my inhibitions are stretched out. I am still suprised at what i am able to understand. I've stopped being cynical..and i handled life with more positive vibes and more love. At some point, i think about what i really feel now that i am here and i see things in a different point of view. It takes guts to live in a real world...lots and lots of it.

the choices we make

Ang bawat gagawin ko ay isang pangako. Our freedom is aimed at making good choices. Kung sino tayo ngayon ay dahil sa mga nauna nating desisyon sa buhay. The purpose of our freedom is to narrow down our choices. Simple lang, sino ba sa inyo ang nakapag-exam na ng multiple choice test? Kung gagamitin mo ang iyong kalayaan, pipiliin mo ang isang item sa maraming choices. Kung nadesisyon mo na, halimbawa B, hindi mo na puwedeng bawiin. Tapos na; deal na. Sa gayon, ang iyong paggamit ng kalayaan ay napunta sa desisyon na iisa lamang. May pang-unawa tayo kung mas maraming options. Kapag di ka makapili, ibig sabihin, wala kang alam. Di mo alam ang tamang sagot...di mo magagamit ang abilidad na pumili. Di mo magagamit ang kalayaan.

The person who chooses only one among the various options is the person who is free. Tulad ng taong tapat sa kanyang iniisa lamang na asawa o kaya sa mga di pa nag-aasawa, tapat lamang sa kanyang iniibig. Pag pinili niya ang taong 'to, makakasama niya 'to sa habang buhay. Ang taong maraming options at hindi nagpapasya ay ang taong hindi malaya, tulad ng mga taong nangongolekta ng maraming gfs/bfs. May gf sa iba-bang parte ng Pilipinas. Walang isang pinipili. Ang taong hindi makapili ay nakokontrol ng kanyang takot. Ayaw ng masaktan kaya maraming options. Kung umayaw ang isa, may isa pa. Ang taong nakakapili ng isa ay mature. Pag nakapili ka na ng isa, game na. Bigyan ng commitment

---PBB Simbang gabi, homily

The UAEtrip...this is it!

welll i know its been a long time..but i got busy this last november..well, i now move to Abu Dhabi, UAE guys..


its a cold december 9 when i arrived..the flight was a long one. it was so so tiring, the manila airport was crazy strict.. i mean it was like there were a dozen check in sections. very busy at this time of the year.

arriving here was kinda..a bit.. boring at this time of the year due to the fact, it was christmas season in manila, and there was traffic and christmas shopping, so this was a more quieter place..its kinda hard getting used to.

Now, i have a job..and im with my dad and friends.. its gonna be a weird christmas for me, first time..but ill get by..

there's snow in UAE..hehe but only in the emirates mall..its really cool.. u can even ski.












with my friend trixie..

i'll see u guys!

----------------------------
ah my last happy moments in manila.........ill see u guys again, promise!

the special halloween party

The Original RedWitch




special kids from teacher -mom




















John-John "Zorro"



more....more..candies..

-----------------
I've been to two halloween parties, one for the special kids and one for my mom's party with friends. well I was the witch..though I did look just ordinary..hehehe

the missed ones

------------------------------
every all soul's day, we have this tradition of visiting our dearly beloved relatives, like my uncles grandfather and my grandmother. Its like reuniting everyone again, once a year. reminiscing the missed ones.

Angels without wings

"God not only sends special angels into our lives, but sometimes He even sends them back again if we forget to take notes the first time! "

~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

----

my cousin weng, is by far my best and special angel. She always delivers all my bad news.. haha actually every honest explanation, revelation or event in my life came from her. I guess she's like my lucky charm and my actual angel. I believe people affect other people's lives... For that I am blessed.

so cracked

"The lives we lead today are longer than those of our parents, but more hectic. I can't imagine the world, my kids will inherit when they are my age. It frightens me. Our culture is just like the junk food we live on: It fills you up without the distracting burden of nourishment. An average person exposed to television, movies and magazines is overwhelmed by messages that arouse, stimulate and suggest that the answer to all problems is the same: gratification. Have a beer, take a pill, roll on the deodorant, get a whopper, just do it."

..Human beings feel best when they're spending time face to face, particularly in times of adversity or when they're feeling threatened. if nothing else, we learned that from September 11. We define ourselves by the way we relate to other people. We get deep, lasting and meaningful satisfaction from giving selflessly to and being present with, others. We develop trust. We feel better about ourselves and our world. This is what we've forgotten: Our decisions should be made on the basis of what's most healthy, not what will satisfy me the quickest. Live with integrity and a clear sense of right and wrong. Consider consequences. Listen to the inner voice of your instinct as carefully as a doctor checks your heartbeat. This is what I wish, we all knew to do.

..I'm saying that I don't think happiness should be the goal...
Mental health is defined by one's ability to be fully present and integrated in reality. Of course, that reality may not always be happy. There might be negative experiences. In fact, there will be negative experiences, days that are downright crappy, moments or even years so painful you'll ask why such shit is happening to you. But if you are mentally healthy, you will be able to tolerate such experiences, regulate your emotions. And in the end, you will be nourished by something more real than merely "feeling good".

- Dr. Drew Pinsky, "Cracked"

wicked witch of the south

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEEPS!

i attended a special halloween party for special kids..as soon as i get my pictures right, ill post everything.

so what makes me a witch?

1. I would love to cook.. small kids..they're so cute to eat.

2. I would love to turn mischievous men into frogs.. so they can croak all they want..

3. I would love to turn all corrupt politicians into pigs.. so they'll know what rotten life they should have

4. I would love to turn everything i touch into chocolates..hmmm... yummy!

5. I would love to cast a spell for the guy i like, so he'll treat me like a princess for the rest of my life. hehe

Jump!

There are many things in this so-called life, that most people fail to appreciate..or sometime forget to see.. the simplicity of the best moments itself.

Seeing through the heartaches, the failures and the unending disappointments, as well as catching a smile after a horrible day..

its what matters..i guess. not really the tears u have made.. but actually the laughter u have shared with the people close to u.

i think its what memorable moments are made of.

lessons from the young heart

"it is only with the heart that one can see rightly...what is essential is invisible to the eye"

- what the fox said to the little prince..

and another favorite line..

"it is the time that you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

I have read the little prince when i was young..too young to understand the parable..but now, I'm all grown up.. I understand it far more better.

Love is indeed the most exquisite thing in this world, far more precious than all the diamonds in this world. Grown-ups have forgotten about it. Grown-ups have forgotten how simple life is supposed to be..we surround ourselves with facts and numbers.. yet we don't understand how to live our life. Our beliefs are twisted by the modern era.. we have stopped believing in dreams.. its always the real thing for us..but I guess I also forgot, how simple love was.

I wish to be loved like the little prince loved his flower.."the rose".

".. because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing..because she is my rose.."

At the end of a busy day, I wish to be loved so truthfully and with all honesty.. Someone u can just fully trust your heart and have a quiet moment with..apart from all the physical things.. someone u can just trust your heart with.. somebody who loves u..without doubts..and without questions..so unconditionally.

secret love

If i had a secret lover in music..it would be jazz. something personal..something mine and no one for the taking.

For the last 4 weeks, i was busy downloading Jazz stuff..from all the jazz artists..to the international ones..for every jazz instrument..

a stream of jazz artists as well as bossanova music, like chet baker, charlie parker, Al Hirt., Sonny Stitt, Sonny Rollins, Stan Getz, stephanie Grappelli, Arturo Sandoval, Coleman Hawkins, Herbie mann, miles davis, quincy jones, benny green, benny golson, Dizzy Gillespie, Art Blakey, even.. Joao Gilberto (the father of bossa) etc..

Its a different feeling..a taste of relaxation..a sudden twist into another place and another world. No words can describe, how it satisfies me. Jazz, is a secret love for me.. because in my generation of friends, nobody really is that passionate about jazz..the strings, the drums..the sax..the guitars..its just great.

people say its like old music.. but to me..its a quick escape from the chaotic reality of this world., back to the old era where the culture is easy, people are quick to understand..and love is the best thing.

Heart of a Kid

---------------------------------------------

I'm sorry for the long way vacation of blogging. I guess the mood swings much more during the "-ber" months. I was busy for the past few days, meeting friends, taking care of things, doing the things i like.. its amazing, how much u can only do for a day. I spend more time with kids, and I guess I've enjoyed the little world they have. how they see the world, and I have begun to reminisce my own childhood too..

Fate

"There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it's up to you to make it happen."
- Angel stripper, Can't hardly wait