One Bad Trip..!!

Last weekend, i was invited to ruby's annual family outing, consisting of only her cousins. I was actually having some second thoughts about it, because i will not be able to spend the weekend with my family , but i already gave her word so I did. My real worry was how am i going to fit in, since all of them were related except me..actually it turned out to be the least i really expected.

I was amazed how cool they were, i mean they were as crazy as ruby was.. hehehe,and they did entertained me pretty well. well however, on the eve of the saturday night, something awful happened. that night, after i called my mom i charged my cellphone, because i was planning to call Beng. I left my cell in the living room, unaware of what will happen next.

After the delicious dinner, i realized i had to call beng, and so i came and found only the charger left without my cell. At first, i took it calmly, thinking maybe i just misplaced it, but i knew this was much serious. I asked everyone who last saw it there, one of ruby's cousin told me that apparently the caretaker's son passed the back door just inches away from where i left my cell. and then my heart sank when, we already contacted my cell, but the i could not hear it ringing anymore. DAMN.

I was already enjoying the night, why did it have to happen..although much pressured from the loss of my cell.. I drank the night away literally..But i just could not sleep. next morning, the madness of trying to find it began. of course, it was nowhere to be found. I left the place with mixed emotions..dumbfounded with what had happened as well as excited with the fun i had with ruby's cousins. Reality sank in when when i was back home already.

Maybe some things are not really meant to be..or perhaps it was never meant to be mine. i was so frustrated because, my cell had its own sentimental value. it reminded of many happy memories. fucking disappointing.

Tonight I write...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me sufferand these the last verses that I write for her.

-- PABLO NERUDA

SOmedaY we'LL Know

One of my closest guy friends, back college days is due for Dubai, today he will be leaving this v ery night. I got a last chance to see him and my college buddies yesterday, which actually the main reason why i was absent yesterday, apart from my "sick reason" hehe. I badly missed them so I went off there. I told him there would be no goodbyes, because the journey is quite far for all of us (metaphorically speaking) .I mean this would not be the last, this is only the beginning for a more profound friendship and a start for his own dreams too. I am sincerely proud of him, not just because he was one of the guys close to my "heart", (the guy is actually taken ) but because his family has been so nice to me and the bond that we had was extremely platonic, although i hardly knew his Gf (who was also nice to me) i mean he treated me like i 'm his own sister too. I had favors done by him and there were times like he would really make sure i have done everything right and he would always be my adviser on important things. its quite sad though, because i have been robbed by another friend (melodramatically speaking), but i know more blessings are more to come. he knew i looked at him this time much differently than before. this time, he knew i was inlove with someone else and maybe that's why during the party he was not even asking how my lovelife was. actually i viewed it a more matured way, maybe he also knew i was not in the mood to talk about it. there was also brief moment, when i was freshening up and out in the corner of my eye..i saw him staring at me..maybe he was thinking that this is one gurl, he is surely going to miss..i did not want to tell him how hard it is not miss to him but something tells me that if emotions would be more open that night, he might not have any strength to leave, leaving his family and his gf prorbably would be already too much..the least we could do is make a few more laughs one more time before he leaves. the night ended so well, i know he would have loved to beg for us not to leave, but things have changed..we do not have any dorms anymore..staying too long will no longer be an option..well at least not in my case..but i had too i had work today..fucking saturday night.

HeLTer SkeLTer

i just finished reading "Helter Skelter", its about the investigation of the sharon tate-leblanca murders and tria of of charles manson and his "family". the book was like a journey back to the late 60's era of hippies and drugs. I really felt the chill and the suspense the atmosphere back in califronia and i was so caught up with my reading, i can feel my heart beating really fast with every turn of the page as well as every facts or details revealed in the story. I even reasearched the facts about it. The colored photos of the murdered victims were really gruesome and Manson's full testimony in court is so twisted and you could actually feel how crazy the guy really is ..ANyway, i really enjoyed the spine-chilling book, it really gets you.. i eventually have this paranoia thing of double checking the doors and everything, who know, there might a copy cat here in my neightborhood.hhehe

oaTh to BitterNess

I shall not date again any guy from this day onwards nor even play dating games with them. I will not entertain any dinner dates nor accept any proposals from any man regardless of his position ,age nor face value (hehe). I refuse to comment on any issues regarding any guy i liked. I do not care about him nor his life or whichever that is related to him. I refuse to understand his state nor his capability level. I refuse to be nice and do not care if i become a heartless bitch. I will not let him know about the updated version of my life. I will try not to mention him to anyone and not make any significance into my life.

..Wish i could really mean those..what am I bitter for anyway? ..Maybe there are things much better unexplained and unsaid..No use trying to understand more when much pride and heartache is left to a woman's soul. Most people would never understand how hard it is to pretend that you're never affected and you never cared..when all the truth of it...is that you know the true reasons and decide to bury it forever.