Amidst everything

picture taken: last week
crying spells : 21 times, one per day
sleepless nights : 2 weeks
songs played : muse - starlight, culture club - mistake no.3 and the magic numbers - love's a game..
vices: none
support : God, family and friends..
peace of mind: currently going through..
suicidal tendencies : High..(nah, im not stupid to do that)
depression: very.
christmas wish: peace of mind.
best motivation to live: LOVE.

i had a "november rain", literally. The UK is off.. and it broke my heart, my soul and dreams.. Im okay now. Still surviving the sleepless nights and sudden silences i have. Its hard to get over with, so so damn hard. Its tore a part of me and I have felt one of the worst situations in life, endlessly blaming your own self. The worst part is knowing you have disappointed the people u love most, and it just tears you apart everyday, knowing u failed everybody as well as yourself.

but then they would always say..there's hope for everything, God is not so mean as to put your life in unending worst situations, when He closes a door, a window opens. Things have changed, spiritually and emotionally. Sometimes, we all have this edge, where everything makes u crazy and u lose yourself literally..i was on the verge of giving up life, like even wishing that the bus i'm riding would just go out in flames or even crash, and probably i'll be killed..dumb idea, i know. But there would always be people, who never lets u down, who still believes there is a reason to live even if there's no other chance..I've cried buckets and dams of tears..and i would often hid myself from anyone, its hard to conceal all the pain u feel when u know nobody really understands how it means to me a lot. But I made a choice..I'm responsible for my life and mistakes i've done..i dont know how I will manage my life again..dont even know where to start and its the scariest part..not knowing what to do..But I will wait..and I will strive..continue to struggle till the last breath..This is my life and I choose to live.

love's a game

"And maybe I'm a fool for walking in line
And maybe I should have tried to leave this time
I'm an honest mistake that you made
Did you mean to?
Did you mean?
Oh, did you mean?

Love is just a game
Broken all the same
And I will get over you
Love is just a lie
Happens all the time
Swear I know this much is true "
- LOVE'S A GAME, the magic numbers

sea of calm

"Oh Sunday rest / I'm a mess / put me in your arms
I called your home / heard the tone / just wanna be a part of
It could be wrong / but i tried / to tell you last night
I found it hard / to explain / I sleep and I can't talk

Don't say a word
my head ain't feeling right
stay where you belong inside

Hey! It will be alright / I just found myself in ways I couldn't help
it will be alright / just find a state where everything's passing by
I just found myself in ways I couldn't help"
- WAR ON SOUND lyrics, by moonbabies

sometimes people go through all things in life, sometimes bearable..and sometimes utterly impossible to get through. we all make mistakes, but what matters is the courage to admit it and ask forgiveness. In this life, nobody is perfect but everyone is striving to be, and i believe its quite wrong to judge people at a certain wavelength. As human beings, there are things that we cannot explain...the everyday miracles that we take for granted, the small things that are done out of love, and the people who care about us whom we continue to neglect because of time. I believe there is a point when we are being tested at lengths by our faith, whether we recognize our own deep faith or we continue to believe there is no god.

But there is a God my dear friend..illogical it seems to be..but we all need something to believe in or else living this life would be futile for us. I'm not perfect, and i'm not even close to being one..but having a deep faith is born out of love, love for the people who cared about me and never left me whenever the whole world seemed to walked out on me, and love for God, who seems to save my life always. I condemn hypocrisy but i don't brag about my faith, what matters is..the people whom i care about are alive and well and i've seen and felt love..it changes u forever.

my top 20 all time fave movies

i've always loved watching movies, i grew up around the betamax, vhs, vcd and dvd stuff, and of course the theater experience. I love watching films ever since i was a kid and probably due to the fact that my dad is a great influence (he's a movie addict too), the more passionate the movie is done, the more it stays recorded in my brain forever. All movies ranging from the heartbreaking theme to the sci-fi stuff..sometimes its about the actors but mostly its about the stories that makes me cry (yeah i do have a soft heart), that makes me think and sometimes changes my point of view about things.

Here are my 20 favorite movies, in no particular order:

1. EUROTRIP - well this movie did make me laugh because I am a fan of roadtrip movies, i've always found this one interesting because it features europe and its famous places. It talks about a guy who makes the wrong move with a girl and now finds himself running all over the european areas just to see the german girl that he loves. Four friends embark on a funny and hilarious journey, unfortunately, here in the movie the americans may have made a mistake on showing the italian concept of being gay and polygamous..hmmm..anyway, i enjoyed this movie a lot.

2. NOTTING HILL - call me cheap slob because i love this movie, but hey I am a self-confessed julia roberts fan, and she just acts so naturally, naturally funny and very attractive. Of course, i love this movie because i admire the "thick" accents all over the place. The funny acts and humor around, and the idea that a famous actress falls in love with a simple guy always is a romantic topic. I like this movie because, i love the scene where Julia says (and i don't care if this has been copied or commercially famous but i still like it) that she's just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her..its just so hopelessly sweet. I wouldn't forget a line where she says "some people do spend their lives together forever", meaning some fairy tales do come true...somehow.


3. Passion of the Christ - This movie is all that and I mean really special. First, i did not expect this from Mel Gibson who directed the movie and the perfect way that it should be done. JIm Caviezel is just so amazing, and every actor in this movie who has spoken in aramaic and done it so passionately. One can feel how every inch was shot with care and every scene was greatly done. I felt in touch with real feeling that it sent and I respected my faith more than ever.


4. The JOy Luck Club - I would always, and always love this movie. A chinese movie about four or five women, i couldn't quite remember, but it revolved around their own families, their legacies, relationships and their love for each other as friends. I'll never get tired watching this one. Every story has its own lesson and the important thing is about respect, dignity and family.


5. The killing fields - I was probably 9 or 10, when i watched this movie, and all throughout my life i have never forgotten Haing S. Ngor (i've never forgotten his name all throughout), the thing is it was part of his own story actually. Its about a british journalist and his friends who all got caught with the Khmer Rouge regime and the movie shows how they survived and who of them lived. It was my first movie about the cruelty of government and the innocent people that have been involved, ever since i have been a fan of these kind of movies, movies that only make u cry but make u aware as well.

6. The Ring - i'm a sucker for horror movies, but this particular japanese horror film is the scariest one perhaps. I've watched both the japanese version (all three parts ) and the american version (mildly scary). The original japanese version is the majorly scary and really crazy. Its about a video, which has a scary curse on it that whoever watches it dies, and the video apparaently has a mystifying story about a strange family.


7. Empire of the Sun - I must have watched this almost a hundred times and still i would always love the part where the child sings the japanese song or anthem (have trouble remembering), at the kamikaze ritual, where the son of the japanese captain is apparently going on a suicide mission, and the japanese army looks on, quite touched. It talks about the american captured in the japanese regime and are treated like prisoners, it talks about a young boy's survival in midst of war and how the environment affects him and changes him. I love this movie because it talks about the early independence and how young people struggle to live and their hopes and views on life itself.

8. Cold Mountain - This is movie about true love. Simple but true. A journey of man who is only holding on for that one thing and in the end it doesnt end well, and a woman who kept holding on and waiting for a man whom she hasn't even completely loved and but she feels confident and hopes for his return. Its a good a movie about waiting for somebody, that when the perfect time comes for both people to fall in love, how worthy are the chances, because in the reality sometimes fate changes it course..sometimes one begins to see that unconditional love means literally, loving with all the risk and with all the chances..not knowing if its worth all the pain.


9. BEFORE SUNSET - I know missed the first part "before sunrise", but i dont care, i liked it even without the first part. I enjoyed the simplicity of the movie, the conversations between the actors was fun, and it was done in a very natural way just the way how two people separated by time and place met again after nine years. This is one of the conversations where julie delpy and ethan hawke were talking inside the car ..the part where she cries..

and she says"I'm so miserable in my love life,
in my relationship, I always act as...
you know, I'm detached,
but I'm...
I'm dying because I'm so numb,
I don't feel pain, or excitement...
I'm not even bitter, I'm just...
You know, that I can't keep living like this, that
there's gotta be something more to love
than commitment...
But then I think that...
I might have given up...
on the whole idea of romantic love.
That I...
I might have put it to bed, ..
that day when you weren't there. "

The movie made me think about relationships and that sometimes some people are not meant to be and things happen. There are reasons we cannot accept and sometimes, it happens over and over again.


10. MY SASSY GIRL - This korean movie is a "date movie". I love it because its fun and korean love comedy movies do have depths and love is shown in more symbolisms and deep expressions. Its about a girl who always gets drunk and acts like a bully but eventually they fall in love, but there are reasons behind their own pasts that makes them think twice about their feelings. Its not a typical love story but it does reflect reality. I love the idea of dating and as well as having fun with somebody u love.


11. BOYS DON'T CRY - my best drama movie about homosexuals and interestingly, Hilary Swank acts the "guy" part so excellent. She does deserve the oscar for this. I can't even believe the scenes she went through. I think so far she is the actress who did a lesbian part, so perfectly done.


12. THE NOTEBOOK - This is an excerpt of the last letter that Noah gave Allie in this movie. THis is by far the sweetest love story and not all too mushy, second to gone with the wind..for me.

My dearest Allie,

I couldn't sleep last night because
I know that it's over between us.

I'm not bitter anymore, because I know
that what we had was real.

And if in some distant
place in the future

we see each other
in our new lives,

I'll smile
at you with joy

and remember how
we spent a summer beneath the trees

learning from each other
and growing in love.


The best love
is the kind that awakens the soul

and makes us
reach for more,

that plants a fire
in our hearts

and brings peace
to our minds.


And that's what you've
given me.


That's what I'd hoped
to give to you forever.


I love you.
I'll be seeing you, Noah.



13. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE - I have watched this movie over a hundred times too, and I could never forget it, i have already memorized the scenes, the theme songs and everything. Up to now, I still remember how Meg Ryan describes when u meet somebody u really want, "its like..magic."


14. SCHINDLER'S LIST - I am a fan of holocaust films and i just couldn't believe what the jewish people went through at those times. It is still an aghast depiction on how cruelty was bestowed upon most jews, especially the women. It is hard to imagine that at those moments, one would rather die than survive the horrific experience. I feel for this movie and for all the holocaust films that i have watched.


15. BEAUTIFUL BOXER - This is an amazing story of thailand boxer who was actually gay, but eventually he turned out to be a really skilled boxer. He fights for his own identity in order to gain respect for his own sexuality and i think it is a great thing. Thailand culture is so much like our's here in the philippines.

16. SOMETIMES IN APRIL - This movie is about the genocide that happened in Africa (i forgot the year) but of course it happened in april. It is about a man who loses everything, his wife, and his boys. And the most crucial part is that his family was killed all because of a stupid rebellion which lead into killing of hundreds of innocent people, which also involved his brother. I can feel the intensity of emotions of this film, i cannot see myself forgiving the people who killed my family and without me knowing what happened to them, and in the end, the characters begins to hear all the true revelations about what happened to his wife. I couldn't stop crying until the end.


17. HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT - The story revolves around women, how they struggle to their own lives, family and deal with their heartaches. I remember asking a question to most of my friends back in highschool, "who would u marry ur lover, ur friend or ur soulmate?" . I like the variation of their stories.

18. WITHOUT A PADDLE - I agree that this is the movie for guys and all friends who have beeen together for all the years, the perfect roadtrip adventure. I mean if i would be left alone in a huge forest and dark woods, i'd rather have my close pals with me, my adventures in this life would never be the same without them.

19.THE COLOR PURPLE - This is by far the most touching movie about women. How women are depicted as strong and capable of loving even in the most tough state. How women should be loved and be respected in all means. I love whoopi goldberg's character, the strength that she had to face everything and how she has learned to forgive her lying cheating husband.


20. EVER AFTER - I am a fan of drew barrymore, ive watched all of her movies. I think she's a talented and stunning actress and i love this movie because i love fairytales and because this is a modern day story about cinderlla and the fact that it shows that sometimes, we as women are not always to be the one rescued or in distress..sometimes we even become the rescuer and show that we can protect ourselves.

__________________________

and the list goes on and on.. I still have other fave movies, like Adam Sandler movies, "beetle juice" (which i remember my dad likes to watch)spanish movies, and of course some local movies here in the philippines, some japanese and chinese movies..maybe i'll make another list sometime.

between emotions

"I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen..
..If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too...
This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness..

..But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death."
-Virginia Woolf, The Hours

The Zahir

my favorite excerpts from Paulo Coelho's The Zahir....

"we humans have two great problems: the first is knowing when to begin; the second is knowing when to stop."

"You enjoy my company but hate being by yourself. You're always looking for adventure in order to forget more important things. You always want to feel the adrenaline flowing in your veins and you forget that the only thing that should be flowing through them is ..blood."

"when i had nothing more to lose, i was given everything. when i ceased to be who i am, i found myself. when i experienced humiliation and yet kept on walking, i understood that i was free to choose my destiny. perhaps, there's something wrong with me, i don't know perhaps my marriage was a dream, i couldn't understand it while it lasted. all i know is that even though i can live without her, i would still like to see her again, to say what i never said when we were together; i love you more that i love myself. if i could say that then i could go on living, at peace with myself, because that love has redeemed me."

"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused."

"the distance between two railway tracks are 143.5 centimeters or 4 feet 8 1/2 inches. It is the international and worldwide measurement for all railway tracks...and It has everything to do with marriage and with the other stories we have heard..At some point in history, someone turned up and said: When two people get married, they must stay frozen like that for the rest of their lives. You will move along side by side like two tracks, keeping always the same distance apart. Even if sometimes one of you needs to be a little farther away or a little closer, that is against the rules. The rules say: Be sensible, think of the future, think of your children. You can't change, you must be like two railway tracks that remain the same distance apart all the way from their point of departure to their destination. The rules don't allow for love to change or to grow at the start and diminish half way through -- its too dangerous. and os after the enthusiasm of the first few years, they maintain the same distance, the same solidity, the same functional nature..."

_________________________

there is much to be said about the book, but i must say it is really a very deep novel. It talks about love in all kinds, especially the love between marriage and how men or women struggle to their lives in reality. it talks about the inner peace and the true love that most people have forgotten to understand. the fact that it is not about sexuality or any stupid taboos, that real love is about your own purpose to your own surroundings. Inner peace or happiness cannot be found in the spa or wherever sanctuary you might try to meditate, it is about following your passions and your dreams, sometimes giving up the need for money and being humble. The love for people who do not deserve to be loved, i think love is mostly invaluable when we learn to share it to others and give them hope to live. It is selfish to limit love only to ourselves and only to people, whom we think we feel it for, but actually it is not love..it is the addicting process of possesing other people.

I've watched a chinese movie and i remember a line that has been said "seeds are like humans, they must be planted with distances from each other, because it is the only way for them to grow well, and like humans, the only way to live in harmony and to respect each other". I believe that, people live their lives mostly when they function well by giving respect and proper distance for each other, for we cannot posses people, only their bodies but never their hearts and minds.

traditional relative mingling

This is my weekend with relatives and cousins...of course its family tradition, its raining with food and countless conversations and everything, well of course there's always videoke, and i sang my heart out again.

Glitter My Words

Edata bosses and pals

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

-"best i ever had", vertical horizon

_______________________________________

to my bosses, supervisors and guy pals,

thanks a lot for the headaches as well as the laughs!

i enjoyed the ride, till then

edata buddies

we don't even care as restless as we are
we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts
and poured cement, lamented and assured
to the lights and towns below
faster than the speed of sound
faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope
justine never knew the rules,
hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
no apologies ever need be made, i know you better than you fake it
to see that we don't care to shake these zipper blues
and we don't know just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
the street heats the urgency of sound
as you can see there's no one around..
-"1979", smashing pumpkins
_______________________________________
sometimes, even the expressions of saddest goodbyes are not even enough for these people, who made my work days..bearable.

farewell..to work

she got away with the birds
a night in june
that feelings were hold
away from blue
let the sun
shine on our nature
we're eagles and creepers ourselves
let the sun
shine on the nature
of meeting and losing ourselves
start weavein' up
your toasters cause
we're hiding down the woods
and that bunch of stories
on breakin' up
yeah, leave 'em to someone else
the picture is shoutin' off the clusters

-"our nature", yuppie flu
clearer than before
and i don't know
if your words
make sense anymore

___________________________________________________

now, im officially unemployed for the next days..hopefully for a new beginning, finally.

damn tired

when chaos breaks in, you just want to stay out of it and leave the place. For a while, you just want to stay in your own silent world, and avoid everything that talks or makes noise..only for a while. Its true when people say that the more you ignore something, the more makes it unbearable to sleep at night. Its hard when people refuse to understand your whole being and they are selfish enough to just make their own judgement and they stop listening to you. They put up these stupid facades of trying to be nice, when in reality they don't give a shit about what u really are. You feel all the pressure inside, and sometimes the only way to burst the bubble is to slowly fade away, slowly ignore the world. Suddenly, you realize that the only person who understands and ur only ally, is yourself..not even ur mom, ur relatives, ur friends or even that guy u like most..nobody helps..nothing ever helps. so everyday u wake up the usual day, waiting and nervous, waiting for that every day when u finally leave and nervous because u dont really know what everyday brings. the worst part is when u begin to see that no matter what u do, u know u cannot fill the void of that certain emptiness that u feel.

Animo San Beda!

San Beda wins NCAA hoops title
BY FRANK CALAPRE, The Manila Times Correspondent

Ending with a roar instead of a whimper, San Beda College survived Philippine Christian University’s fiery endgame rally for a hairline 68-67 win Friday that clinched its first National Collegiate Athletic Association men’s basketball title in 28 years.

But the Red Lions had to go down the wire to beat the seemingly unsinkable Dolphins, who erased a 61-44 third-quarter deficit with a scary 23-7 tear that nearly did the trick.

Not until PCU’s gunner Ian Garrido drew a blank from 15 feet near the keyhole as time expired could the San Beda crowd at the packed Araneta Coliseum heave a sigh of relief and erupt in celebration.

Yousif Aljamal collared the rebound and held the ball tightly like his life depended on it, as the desperate Dolphins swarmed all over him. Confetti then fell from the Big Dome roof signaling the end of San Beda’s long title drought.

The Red Lions then gave a well-deserved victory ride for rookie coach Koy Banal, who set a record of sorts with the historic triumph, after closing out the thrilling best-of-three series at 2-1.

Banal is the first mentor to win both NCAA and University Athletic Association of the Philippines men’s basketball titles. He steered the Far Eastern University Tamaraws to the UAAP crown in 2003.

The Red Lions last won the NCAA championship in 1978 with a squad featuring Chito Loyzaga, Frankie Lim and Jayvee Yango. It took them nearly three decades to collect their 12th title in the country’s oldest collegiate league.

“This is for God above all. I’m so very happy and I’m proud of my boys all of them. Thanks God,” a jubilant Banal said later.

On the other hand, PCU came tantalizingly close to winning its second championship after its inaugural plum in 2004, but settled for its second straight runner-up finish.

With 6-foot-8 Nigerian Sam Ekwe neutralized, Aljamal and John Escobal saved the day for the Red Lions, combining for 38 points, 15 of them in the third quarter when they looked set to pull away for good.

The 6-foot-3 Aljamal, who topscored for the Red Lions with 23 points on top of 11 rebounds and 2 steals, was later voted the Most Valuable Player in the finals series.

Escobal finished with 15 points, 7 rebounds and 6 assists, while Alex Angeles made 8 points and 4 rebounds. Ekwe, the season’s MVP and Best Rookie awardee, had 7 points, 18 rebounds and 4 blocked shots.

Jason Castro led the PCU Dolphins with 25 points, followed by Robby David with 10, Beau Belga had 9 points, but the pro-bound Gabby Espinas was held to just 8.

The scores:

SBC (68)—Aljamal 23, Escobal 15, Angeles 8, Ekwe 7, Menor 5, Evangelista 4, Maggay 2, Hermida 2, Gamalinda 2, Tecson 0, Taganas 0.

PCU (67)—Castro 25, David 10, Belga 9, Espinas 8, Navarro 7, Graham 4, Garrido 2, Amparado 2, Chien 0, McCoy 0, Santos 0, Vidal 0.

Quarterscores: 15-19; 36-30; 61-44; 68-67.
__________________________________________
that's my brother allan on the left and his buddy ralph on the right, who both probably got drunk during the after party of San Beda with all the overflowing beers. Gosh, its been years since my highschool alma mater won the championship. I've been student there for like 12 to 13 years (yup, im so sure i wont get lost there even with eyes closed). I missed the good old elementary and highschool days, missed all the moments when i was so young and stupid. You just hang out every afternoon with friends,and do funny things, have crushes with cute guys, attended proms, did assignments, watched basketball games, cheered even if the teams dont win..hehe. And now, we did it. Its nice to know that for just one night, all the bedans became united and cheered. For one moment, all bedans shared the good feeling and shared the win. as they always say back in highschool, "once a bedan, ..always a bedan". 

Night Lights

Click the Video, to see the lovely fireworks at Manila Bay!

NOte: i guess i'd have to click this over and over again, whenever i feel sad or whatever..

seafood, fireworks and friends

Friday night at mall of asia, at LaMESa Grill , great seafood plus good friends, plus the amazing ambiance, equals great night. I had fun, i mean we had great talks and some great laughs. Its a great time for hanging out, although we were orginally waiting for "d sound". I loved the fireworks its like experiencing New Year in advance. A lot of people were there. I will surely miss nights like these................

seafood and fireworks!

"To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed..That can make life a garden."-Goethe

Auf Achse

"You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her ..
You want to, but she won't let you "

----"Auf Achse" Franz Ferdinand